


Tear Me to Pieces

by eruriotica (minxiebutt)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Coffee Shops, Developing Relationship, Dysphoria, Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, Food, Implied Sexual Content, Levi and Nanaba as foster sibling, M/M, Menstruation, Oral Sex, Police Officer Mike Zacharias, Sexual Content, Trans Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Trans Nanaba (Shingeki no Kyojin), afab language, not darkfic but still like a medium brew
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2019-11-13 23:34:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18041234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minxiebutt/pseuds/eruriotica
Summary: Changing is hard. Levi doesn't know what to do, or where to go; he only knows that he can't stay the same.





	1. i know

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a dark prompt from anon, but it definitely shaped itself into something else entirely. It won't be 100% happy and lighthearted fic, but it is not darkfic.

He’s just gotten into sleep when Nanaba sits beside him and wakes him with a gentle kiss to his forehead.

“I’m going now, Levi,” he says, one hand cupping a sleep-slack jaw and thumb stroking a too-strong cheekbone. In response, Levi only groans and gives a half-nod. “Are you going to be okay for the week?”

“Yeah,” he rasps. He hasn’t been laying down long enough for a gravelly voice yet. 

“Okay.” Nanaba hesitates before giving him a kiss on his nose. “There’s meal prep. Don’t forget to eat.”

“Yes,  _ Dad,” _ he grumbles as his cheek is stroked one more time. He dozes again momentarily and is startled by the sound of Nanaba turning their locks. For a few moments, he tries to find a new position that’s comfortable, but it’s for naught so he gets out of his own bed and crosses the corridor to climb into Nanaba’s bed instead. It still smells like him, and Levi buries his face in the lavender pillow with a lonely sigh.

  
  


The strength and thickness of their southern accent intrigues Levi. He hears a few quiet snickers from the rest of the crew, the usual stereotypes and jokes about inbreeding and educational dropouts. These men seem nice enough but Levi’s just not one for much conversation.

They’ve been coming in every Wednesday for a few months, and after trying out the entire menu, have settled on a usual order. Levi sees them from a distance, can’t help it because they’re a pair of giant blondes, and he skates to the register, opening a new tab and ringing up their order. They step up to him with a polite smile and Levi reads off their order before either can say anything, and then the one that’s he’s come to know as Mike pulls the wallet from inside his leather jacket and passes Levi his card. The other one, Erwin, drops a five in the tip jar that’s otherwise mostly coins.

Levi thanks them and tells them that he will deliver their order when it is ready.

That’s the extent of their interactions, but Levi looks forward to it. 

 

Hanji recommended it to Erwin first. They had told him that it was authentic southern food, despite having never been outside of Colorado themselves, and so Erwin had mentioned it to Mike. Regardless of the slick January conditions when they had arrived, there had been one staff member in roller skates, so they’d known it was the real deal. It brought back the nostalgia of high school dates at the drive-ins, too-heavily fried foods, the sounds of quad wheels on asphalt while crickets and cicadas screamed.

It’s a little bit out of the way for them, so they go once a week when they’re both able to take a long lunch together. Turns out, there’s always that same one person in skates no matter what the weather has decided on for the day, and Erwin is so used to seeing them at an augmented height that when they arrive one Wednesday in the spring to them wearing regular sneakers, Erwin has to do a double take. 

The person-- Erwin’s not sure whether they’re a boy or a girl, they’re too ambiguous and he doesn’t want to be disrespectful-- is much shorter than he anticipated. And black hair that’s usually hanging in a straight mop is curly, looking like its own living creature in the breeze of an unseasonably warm March afternoon. There’s a pallor to the usually goldish skin, highlighting the deep lines under their eyes and the stark redness of their nose. They’re ill, but they’re still here, so Erwin makes sure to tip twice as much as normal. 

  
  


Levi forces himself out of bed and into the kitchen. He finds the kettle in its cradle and fills it all the way to the max line, then lets it boil until it clicks itself off without his intervention. From the cabinet, he pulls down his favourite mug, one that holds an entire liter of liquid, and spoons out half the recommended amount of instant coffee. After he adds the boiled water and stirs it to dissolve the granules, he pours in more heavy cream than anyone has a legal right to consume in one sitting. 

He feels ready to drop. The last several days have been more exhausting than he was ready for. Without Nana, he’s felt restless and slept little. All the meal prep is still in the fridge, but he’s got two more days to make it disappear. He swallows down coffee until his stomach threatens to lurch and just the thought of food makes him scowl.

 

Nanaba gets back the night after Levi opens at work, so he’s home, showered, and curled up in Nana’s bed when he hears the locks turn.

“Babe!” He calls from the entryway. “Get out here!”

Taking the lavender comforter around his shoulders, Levi climbs from bed and trudges out to greet him. He’s sunburnt and looks tired in a good way as he throws his arms around Levi and squeezes until Levi groans as he says, “Welcome back.”

“You look like you’re coming down with something,” Nana says in obvious concern. Levi tries to shrug it off, but of course Nana won’t let him. Mother hen. “Why don’t you call out tomorrow and rest? I know you’ve been taking doubles and triples. Oh-- wait, your favourites came in today, didn’t they?”

“They’re not my favourites,” Levi defends weakly. They’re his favourites. They tip him too well to be anything less. 

“You know, I still have a regular guy that matches one of those descriptions. Come on, come see if it’s him, alright?”

To be honest, a day doing nothing sounds good, even if Nana’s suspicions that Denver can only have one handsome southern man at a time prove to be unfounded. Levi shrugs. “I’m not worried about that. But I’ll call out and hang out at your place all day.”

“Good, then I can make sure you sit still and eat.” Nana wraps his arms around Levi again and pulls his head against his chest. “Go get back in my bed. I’ll shower and we can finish that show, alright?”

“Sure, but I’m gonna get crumbs in your sheets.” Levi pulls back and turns toward the kitchen. 

“You always do.” Nana drags his suitcase over to the couch and leaves it there with an accomplished, “I will deal with  _ that _ in the morning, since I’ll have to wash the sheets, too.”

“Then I’ll make sure to get extra crumbs everywhere, and then run back to my bed where it’s clean.” Levi opens a cabinet and takes down a bag of chips and a box of miniature cookies. The crunchiest things they have. “I’ll chew with my mouth open and everything.”

Nanaba makes a laughing-groaning sound as he wraps his arms around Levi from behind and squeezes. “I missed you, you little piece of shit.”

“I only missed your chest hair,” Levi replies, leaning his head back and twisting so that he can kiss Nana’s ear. “But I’m glad you’re home.”

  
  


Levi’s woken in the middle of the night again, this time to Nana shaking him gently. He’s confused, but he can feel a warm wetness between his legs that brings him fully to attention. 

“Shit,” he swears. 

“It’s okay,” Nanaba assures him, untangling their bodies. “Are they still really irregular?”

Levi nods, pulling himself up and getting to the bathroom as quickly as possible before anything runs down his legs and gets on the floor.

  
  


There’s a coffee house on campus that Erwin finds he visits at least twice a day just for beverages. There are small foods available, primarily small sandwiches and salads, but their variety of teas and coffees hold Erwin’s attention. They have flavours he’s never heard of, and at seventy-five cents a teabag, he’s inclined to try every single one they offer, as they frequently rotate through their available selections. 

The middle of the week tends to be his slowest morning but his busiest evening, so he doesn’t need anything overly caffeinated yet. He’ll come back at four for that. Erwin mentally flips through the menu and decides on something with just enough of a kick to get him through until he comes back later.

“Hey, stranger,” the manager, Nanaba, greets him when he enters. The coffee house is obviously between rushes, the other two employees cleaning up and restocking, preparing for the next hit that will undoubtedly come when classes let out for the hour. 

“Hey,” Erwin replies, taking his place at the register. He watches Nanaba finish wiping down one of the machines, waiting patiently and unhurried. “How was your meeting in Louisiana?”

“Hot as fuck,” Nana chuckles, dropping the rag in a bucket and turning to wash his hands in the employee sink on the wall behind the cash register. “Our franchise owner is a piece of shit who has no clue what he’s doing, he’s lucky I keep this place running as well as I do. Oh-- did eat some of that stuff they call food down there, though. Pretty good!”

Erwin laughs lightheartedly. “There’s a place in Lakewood that pretty much hits the nail on the head, far as Louisiana food goes. You ever been?”

“You’re talking about Bayou, right?” Nana throws a questioning look over his shoulder as he dries his hands on paper towels. 

“That’d be it.”

“Yeah, my brother works there,” and then Nana turns to face Erwin, pointing a finger into a back corner of the coffee house. “That’s him there. Recognise him?”

Erwin turns, as well, and finds curly black hair spread out on the table, the person-- Nana’s brother, therefore a boy, he’ll have to tell Mike that he was right-- slumped over, phone in hand on the table, youtube running and headphones plugged in. Erwin didn’t even see him when he walked in. This campus is the kind of place where one sees students sleeping so often, in such weird places, that they’re barely even seen anymore, even in class. 

“Ah, yeah, sorry,” Nana says sheepishly. “He was awake a minute ago.”

“That’s the fella that’s usually there when me and Mike go,” Erwin responds, a little belatedly but not so much as to make it awkward. A big city like this, and what are the chances that his two most often visited establishments would bring him into the acquaintance of brothers? That’s a kind of small town coincidence.

“He owes me five bucks,” Nanaba says with a hint of victory. “I  _ told _ him that we probably had the same regular.”

“Oh?” Erwin’s intrigued. 

“He told me Denver probably had more than one good-looking southern man.” Nanaba waves his hand dismissively. “But  _ I _ was right. Anyway, yeah, what can I get for you this time, Erwin? We got a new kind of tea. It’s supposed to taste like cherry cobbler.”

“Uh,” Erwin drawls and then clears his throat. He takes their previous conversation and tucks it away to mull at later like cud. “As good as that sounds, how about an extra bold earl grey for now.”


	2. this love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please be mindful, the tags come into full effect during this chapter.

The shower is running when he gets home, and Levi isn’t shy. He tosses out a “hey” as he steps into the bathroom, ready to undress.

“Hey.” Nana pokes his head out and surveys Levi’s actions. “Joining me?”

Levi nods. He can’t manage too many more words right now and he doesn’t want to waste them. He just needs to get clean. He needs to wash the _wrongness_ from his body. He _needs._ If he just went ahead with hormones, he wouldn’t have to deal with this much longer but he doesn’t know, he doesn’t know and he doesn’t want to fuck it up—

“I just got in,” Nana says as he disappears back into the shower, leaving the curtain pushed back in invitation. Levi steps out of his jeans and, without looking in the mirror, climbs in downstream. As the water brings him into its calming embrace, it runs red, then pink, and when it’s finally clear again, Levi moves to stand behind a soapy Nanaba. Something distressed must be written on Levi’s face, because he starts to talk to fill the silence. Levi is glad for the distraction. He lets Nana fill his head with stories of freshmen and other equally oblivious students.

When Levi steps up close behind him and wraps his arms around Nana, there’s a momentary break in the storytelling. Levi’s hands wander up to the pale scars that run below Nana’s strong pecs, his fingers rubbing along them repeatedly. Nanaba has been Nanaba for so long that only Levi remembers the _before._ Only Levi knows how happy he is in comparison.

_“It’s not a fix-it-all,” Nanaba cautioned him. “Think about it, okay? I don’t want you to make the wrong decision.”_

Levi _knows_ he hasn’t made the wrong choice, but then why is he so fucking afraid to finish what he’s begun? Why can’t he just buck up and fucking _do it?_

“I met Mike today.” Nanaba’s words halt the bullet train of his thoughts dead on the tracks, doesn’t let his whirlwind brain leave the station. The world rushes back to him— slick soap on his skin, warm Nana in his arms, the steam loosening his packed sinuses after a long day around deep fryers. The sound of water in tiny pitter-patter.

Levi makes a noise in his throat that urges Nanaba to continue, and he does.

“Jesus, that’s a big guy,” Nanaba swears. “Invited me to work out with him after I showed him that picture of me flexing-- you know, the really good one of my abs? He said he needs someone that can keep pace with him since Erwin’s always on campus and misses most of their workouts.”

Figures that they would work out together. The thought of Nanaba at the gym with Mike makes his chest burn. He’s been lost in his fuzzy head today but this cuts through him and lights him aflame with a heat that is not foreign. He’s jealous. This is _his_ best friend and _his_ workout buddy, not Mike’s. If Levi were a dog, he’d pee all over Nana. But he’s not gonna say anything. Instead, he presses his forehead between Nanaba’s shoulder blades and sighs.

Nanaba moves them under the water to rinse them, then turns in Levi’s arms. “You should come, too.”

Levi shrugs and leans in to kiss Nanaba’s chin. He’s feeling needy now, worn out from work and exhausted in a way that’s all too familiar. It feels like his muscles will give out on him any minute now. He wants Nana to do what he does when he takes care of him because he’s too fucking _tired_ to take care of himself. Rough, calloused hands come to frame his face and Levi lets his eyes fall closed, lets his head loll in that steadfast hold because he’s just so tired and he doesn’t know how much longer he can keep this up.

“Let’s get you dry, baby,” Nana murmurs. Gently, he guides Levi out of the shower and throws a towel over his sharp shoulders, throws another over his wet curls. He’ll have to straighten his hair in the morning before work.

The hot shower must have soothed him more than he realised, because he’d broken from his drowsiness when Nana tosses him a pair of clean boxers, his preferred sanitary item, and one of Nanaba’s hoodies that he’s always stealing, the red one with ‘love me’ embroidered on the front.

They make a big pan of steamed salmon with a huge pot of rice and Levi holds back his objections when Nana scoops more into a bowl than he thinks he can eat. But he’s given some of his responsibility for himself away. He has to at least try.

_He was a skinny kid growing up but puberty hit him like a train and gave him breasts and hips too big for his lanky body, and everything online told him that his breasts would shrink if he lost weight and--_

He doesn’t have to do this anymore. But it’s hard to change.

Levi’s stomach protests the fullness. He wiggles out from Nanaba’s side with a white lie, murmuring, “Gotta pee.”

“Hold it in a little longer,” Nana urges him, tugs him back down into his ribs and leans over to kiss his temple without looking away from the television. Levi knows that Nana _knows,_ and Nana knows how to keep him still long enough that he couldn’t vomit even if he wanted. “This is the good part.”

Levi settles back down just as his body decides it is done with this strain, and he passes out on Nanaba less than thirty seconds later.

  


Erwin’s gotta sound smart because he’s gotta teach at university, but Mike don’t really give two shits what people’re gonna think about him. Besides, sometimes it’s funny to let his accent confuse the fuck outta ‘em.

“Hey there,” he says to Nana and the dark little fella behind him. Nana said he’d bring his brother along, and the first time they went for a run in the park, Mike didn’t think the guy would’ve been able to keep up. He’s a skinny little beanpole with deep bags under his eyes and nothing but bony, sharp angles. But he did alright. “You a hugger?”

“Sure,” Nana humours him. Mike pulls him in for a brief embrace and slaps his back, a little surprised with how hard the motion is reciprocated. “I forgot you southerners are so touchy.”

 _“Friendly,”_ Mike corrects playfully. He turns to the tag along. “Good to see you outside a’ work again, Levi.”

Levi nods. “You, too.”

After stretching, they take the same route as last time, pushing a little harder, a little faster in the warm April morning. For a cool off, they walk an extra mile, chattering after they catch their breath.

Nana asks how he’s liking the switch to night shift. Mike tells him it’s hard to get laid when you or your husband’s always asleep. They laugh but Levi scowls with distaste, so Mike clears his throat and says, a little more cordial, “Ain’t no good food open so late. Gotta pack my lunch but cold food don’t keep this body runnin’.”

“Bayou’s open late,” Nana volunteers. “Levi, you’re closing all week, right?”

Levi nods. He been near silent this whole time, and don’t make a sound even when he looks at Mike when Mike says, “Well, shit, I’ll just come bother ya, then. Would ya mind that much?”

“No,” Levi replies. So serious. All business.

They finish up their mile and when they part, Mike tugs Nana into a bear hug and ruffles his hair. He reminds Mike of his baby brother, and it’s easy to be so casual with him so quickly. For Levi, though, Mike slaps his shoulder but not too hard outta fear of breaking the boy in half.

“I’ll see ya tonight,” he promises. He thinks he sees Nanaba grin a little too broadly when Levi tucks himself under Nana’s arm.


	3. will tear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All of Levi's emotions clash. His desire to be taken care of wins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tags (cop!Mike, implied sexual content) and rating (T-->M) updated.

Without meaning to interrupt Mike’s greeting, Levi does, blurting, “I didn’t know you were a cop.”

Without missing a beat, Mike replies with a sarcastic, “Nah, I just put on this here uniform for the fuckin’ kicks.”

Levi bristles but quickly smoothes back out, skating backward around the counter to come inspect the blues for himself. They’re the real deal alright. Mike never mentioned his profession, and somehow, Levi had pictured him as a housespouse of some sort. But instead, this fits him better. Explains that fucking physique.

And Mike eats like a fucking ox. He’s an animal. Sure, he orders the least greasy things on the menu and then picks them apart until they meet his dietary preference, but god fucking _damn._ No wonder Levi can’t gain any muscle, if that much food is what it takes. Nanaba is lean and fit, but he doesn’t eat nearly half as much as Mike does in one sitting. Fucking giant ox. Hot fucking giant ox mother _fucker_.

Levi is _disgusted._

 

This happens most often, that one of them is already at home and settled into bed when the other arrives. Usually, it’s Nana waiting for him because Levi gets stuck on the closing shift since he actually cleans the kitchen instead of simply wiping it down, but tonight, Levi unlocks the apartment and finds it empty. There’s a note on the corkboard telling him that Nana went out.

“What the fuck,” Levi mumbles to himself. He slings his bag off his shoulder and instead of digging through it to find his phone, he dumps all the contents out on the floor, his spike of anger and insecurity making him feel irrational in that moment. What the fuck is Nana out for? He never goes out like this, not without telling Levi first-- not without _dragging_ Levi along. Who the fuck did he go with? Levi has a sneaking suspicion that the very same cop that didn’t show up for a meal is to blame.

He finds his phone and opens his thread with Nanaba, sending a row of question marks that he hopes convey his emotions better than his words can. It’s fucking two in the morning on a Thursday and Nana has to work in the morning, why isn’t he back yet? What the fuck?

 _Mike and I went out and he let me crash on his couch :),_ comes the first message, followed a moment later by, _I’m safe, baby. Go to sleep. Sweet dreams._

Levi lets his phone drop from his hand and into the pile he made on the floor a few moments ago. He’s over it. He’s done with it. He doesn’t care. Whatever. It’s nothing. It’s not even worth thinking about. He’s just gonna take a fucking shower and go to fucking sleep. It’s fucking _fine_.

  
  
Anger and disgust pile up like they’ve got no business doing on such a late, lonely night. He knows he can’t be this possessive, he can’t act like Nanaba is only allowed to have him as a friend. But insecurity is an ugly tumour on his neck and it’s got teeth.

He hears Nana come into the apartment early the next morning and get straight into the shower. Levi jumps from bed, way earlier than he’s used to, and he cannot let the confrontation wait. It’s gotta happen now. He’s got bloodlust. If he can’t cut Nanaba or Mike with his words, then he wants their answers to cut through him instead.

 _Tell me you like him more than me_ , he finds himself thinking. Dangerous shit from when he was a teenager, dangerous shit that he’s got no business thinking at twenty-eight years old. It builds within him as he gets closer to the bathroom door, builds like steam in a sealed container until he thinks it will destroy him entirely—

He is relieved of the pressure by an immobile doorknob. Nana has locked him out. Nana knew. Fuck him for knowing Levi so well.

Levi trudges back to bed and refuses to cry himself back into sleep.

 

The whole day passes without interaction with Nana and so Levi is a festering boil of a boy when Bayou settles down enough for him to take his aggression out on a really good cleaning session. Trading his roller skates for sneakers, Levi briefly stretches out his calves and then sets to work with rags and a spray bottle of sanitiser.

The lobby closes an hour before the drive-in stalls, so Levi tasks Petra with running that show while he gets the lobby ready for closing. He wipes all the tabletops first, then comes back to do the chairs so that he can turn them over to rest on the tables and leave the floor open for mopping. But before he can mop, he needs to clean all the windows from any stray fingerprints, and it’s as he’s doing that, that he sees a squad car pull in.

He only remembers that he hasn’t locked the doors yet when Mike is striding inside.

“Lobby’s closed,” Levi interrupts his opened mouth, words sharp and pointed and no-fucking-nonsense.

Mike looks so fucking handsome there with his blues and a fucking gun on his holster, his hair pushed back and the long strong line of his roman nose and fucking _fuck him_ and that fucking smirk, god _fucking_ damn it—

“I wanted to apologise,” Mike starts and Levi wants no part of this bullshit when he’s done a good job pushing his emotions down all day.

“Lobby’s closed. Get out.” Levi stands at his full height, and then though he doesn’t come close to Mike’s shoulder, he doesn’t cower. They stare at one another until it becomes awkward and Levi feels his shoulders itching with the desire to turn away.

“Can we talk?” Mike asks, and the sincerity of the request paired with a dark, openly carnal undertone makes Levi’s spine straighten.

“I don’t have time for that,” Levi deflects but Mike closes the space between them, his boots heavy and certain and Levi wants to be stomped on until he can’t feel anything at all.

“Then I’ll cut to the chase.” Mike’s before him, making Levi crane his neck to look up at him. He puts his hands on his hips and refuses to back up, even when Mike comes close, within striking distance. “Nana said you ain’t been laid and you gotten all wound up.”

“Did he tell you that before or after you slept with him?” Levi spits before he can censor himself. He bites into his lip, angry at himself, and looks away before Mike can see the hot, embarrassed tears that well in the corners of his eyes.

“I ain’t got no interest in fuckin’ yer brother,” Mike hisses, clearly offended, but there’s a hint of something between those lines that Levi’s emotions blind him from.

“Why not?” Levi’s insecurities force all his deepest, most shameful thoughts up from his heart and through his mouth. “Can’t fuck your husband so what, think you’ll get your rocks off with a side piece?”

“Don’t need no side piece neither. I don’t keep secrets like that.” Mike’s tone is dangerous, too. Where Levi is all hot sharp upset, Mike is the heavy crushing weight of a boulder. Mike’s danger in there in his honesty and laid out to be seen easily. “Now listen here, I’m on swing shift. Come home with me tonight, Levi. Let me get you some relief. Look like you ‘bout ready to snap yer own bones in half and lemme be honest with ya, if anyone gon’ break some bones, I wanna be the one to do it.”

There’s nothing explicitly sexual worded in that offer but Levi’s body responds in the worst ways possible. His breathing hitches and his chest puffs up with the way his belly warms. It’s been so long since someone else made him cum.

Mike leans down, eyes staying on Levi’s like a predator. His breath is hot on Levi’s ear when he whispers, “I ain’t taking no pleasure for myself when you need it most, boy.”

With a shiver, Levi’s submission is written in the way his animal brain offers his neck, tilting his head to the side. Being called _boy_ by a man only six years older than him makes this an uphill battle. Everything in Levi’s brain clashes and leaves no survivors and all he can manage to sputter is a shaky, “Why?”

In his peripherals, he can see Mike grin, devilish and victorious in his demonic hunt, so Levi turns his head to stare him head on. Their mouths are centimeters apart.

“You need someone to take care of you,” Mike whispers. Levi can taste the coffee on the air. He swallows, licks his lips. Mike is practically hunched down all around him and Levi wonders if this is how protective it would feel to be mounted, if Mike took him from behind would it feel this consumingly safe and shielded?

“Are you going to take care of me?” Levi asks, eyes on the beard that he wants rubbing raw the skin between his thighs.

“Yeah.” Mike stands back at his full height. “I’m fuckin’ gonna.”

 

Despite hearing stories from Nana when he visits the coffee house, and now hearing workout stories from Mike, Erwin has yet to meet the mysterious Levi in a casual setting. Seeing him at work is one thing-- when he has to be polite. It’s shitty to hit on someone when they’re on the clock. Erwin has decency. But he never sees Levi at any other time, so he makes time by carving out a small block of an early afternoon. His TA needs to cover a lecture anyway.

Him and Mike have already talked about the possibility of having another person in their relationship, decided to have that conversation when they both took up in interest in the same man. They wanted to come closer to Levi together, but Erwin’s not quite been able to do his part, so Mike’s been getting to know him more, and Erwin wants to sidle in, too. There’s a lot of work to be done, to bring them together as friends and hopefully not spook Levi with an unusual relationship proposal like polyamory. Not many people get it, or even bother to try and get it, even in a liberal place like Denver. Monogamy is the norm just like heterosexuality, and while Erwin can respect both, neither apply to him and Mike.

Erwin gets up that morning and goes to the kitchen to make coffee with a bounce in his step, adolescent excitement because today he’s going to make it to a workout, he’s going to see Levi outside of work and interact with him and... is that Levi curled up around Mike on his sofa?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> levi wrote himself in this chapter, this is not what i had planned.


	4. me to pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night before, the morning after, and coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings/new tags: sexual content, oral sex.   
> rating change from M-->E

Mike comes and picks Levi up sometime after midnight and thanks to his earlier words, there’s an electric tension in the air. He pulls his little hybrid into a darkened stall-- a true liminal space-- and spies Levi sitting on the curb, two nearly-glowing eyes piercing through the night like a cat spying prey. For a moment, Mike doubts.

But sure enough, Levi picks himself up and jumps into the car like he’s been doing this with Mike for a long time.

The air Levi brings with him is just about making it hard to breathe. Mike’s thirty-four but his blood roars something half his age-- images of tossing Levi onto his plate and swallowing him whole. Boy ain’t nothing but a morsel. A mouthful. Mike’ll need to eat him again and again just to get a taste of him.

He knows how to spot trouble, and the only trouble he sniffs off this boy comes in the form of some sorta internal strife. Levi’s small in stature and substance, and when Mike had asked Nana why his brother looked hauntedly thin, the fella had clammed up and changed the subject. Eating disorders were a girl’s thing he thought, but a little time researchin’ and educatin’ himself reminded him that it affects boys in a silent way. And Levi looks so fresh-faced, it’s hard to believe he’s close to thirty. Mike don’t like to think linger on that, the way his mind tells him he ain’t seeing a face youthful but instead feminine.

He chances a sideways glance at Levi now, finds the man leanin’ heavy in the passenger side door but not yet asleep.

“Am I borin’ ya?” Mike asks.

“You aren’t saying shit,” Levi answers like that’s all he gotta say.

“You tired?” Mike tries then, eyes back on the road though he catches Levi shifting in his peripherals.

“Yeah,” is what he says. “A little.”

“If ya need a good night’s sleep,” Mike begins but Levi cuts him off.

“You said you’re gonna take care of me, so that’s what you’re going to do.”

When Mike steals a heartbeat peek at his mouthy little morsel, there’s red on cheeks in the passing street lamp light.

“Alright,” he agrees, even-toned. “You don’t seem like the hook-up type.”

“Is that all this is?” Levi’s hand brushes the door handle,though he doesn’t grip it.

“Course not,” Mike huffs. “Was gonna say-- whatcha like? Since it’s been a while for ya.”

Levi shrugs and looks out of the window, so Mike lets him have his silence until he finally volunteers, “I used to hook up a lot.”

It’s quiet and serious sounding, so Mike gives him room to assemble his words uninterrupted. 

“I know you’ve seen Nana’s scars, I know you know he’s trans.” Levi’s gaze burns the outline of Mike’s profile like a laser and it’s true, he’s been going to the gym with Nana, they’ve seen each other naked in the locker room. Mike’s from deep down south but he ain’t a foe to nobody under the rainbow flag or any other flag of that like. He doesn’t see Nana as anything but another little brother-- and suddenly, he’s pretty sure he can tell where Levi’s going with this. But speaking one’s own truth is an important step in a relationship, so Mike just drives.

This late at night, the wildlife is reclaiming little bits of the sidewalks and roads. One headlight catches the the bright ringed tail of a raccoon sticking out of a waste bin at a bus stop, then a pair of eye reflect the light as another scavenger peeks up to see if they’re about to be disturbed. It’s dark and quiet and Mike ain’t got no qualms with them getting a meal where they can. He’s been called to residentials before on account of someone thinkin’ they were getting burglarised, only for him to shine his flashlight onto opossums or coons or stray cats and dogs just trying to eat. He ain’t never called animal control on something harmless like scattered trash. Maybe he’s gotta soft spot for the little devils.

“I’m like my brother,” Levi at last puts between them. Mike looks at him, sees vulnerable trust in scared eyes, so he nods. Honesty like this, it’s a cornerstone, something nice and strong to hold the weight. A good foundation to whatever relationship they’re plungin’ into. Levi looks away first, nervously confirming, “I’m trans. And… and no one has seen my body since last summer, before my surgery. That’s why it’s been a while.”

It seems like once the words come, Levi’s got the courage to spill them all. Mike’s patient through it, but it don’t feel right for him to try and put any words into Levi’s mouth. He’s helpless to listen to Levi talk quietly about being a slut, being desperate to feel good in his body when it was something so uncomfortable to have to live with, sleeping with whoever might give him a few minutes of breathing pleasure in a white tide of dysphoria. Mike tries to keep giving off accepting and kind vibes, and he must not do too bad because Levi surrenders to him. 

“I guess what I’m trying to say,” Levi sighs, “is do whatever the fuck you want to me.”

Mike smirks and extends his right hand, meant as an offering for Levi to grasp, but he takes Mike’s hand and sets it on his miniscule thigh. Mike can’t help but growl, papa bear awakening, and kneads his fingers down into bone. It’s too easy. He bites that realisation back, focusing instead on the way Levi lets his head fall back, eyes closed, a breathy sigh out of a his mouth.

It’s getting toward the middle of the night proper when Mike unlocks the door and leads Levi inside. With that nervous honesty out of the way, that electric air is back. He gives a quick tour of the downstairs, Levi a tense and fuckable ball trailing him when they wash their hands in the kitchen and have a glass of water.

They stop in the living room and Mike turns to face him. “I’m gonna suck yer cock,” he whispers, decided.

“But,” Levi bites his bottom lip between his teeth when Mike interrupts sharply.

“But  _ nothin _ ’,” he tells Levi, backing him up against the wall. “Get outta them jeans, boy.”

Levi’s shoulders do something funny that Mike can’t read, and then his hands are following the order. Mike gets down on his knees and helps Levi kick the garment away. Then, with reverrant fingers, he grips the edge of Levi’s boxers, and with their eyes met, drags those down as well.

“I’m gonna  _ fuckin’ _ suck you dry.” Mike lets the ‘k’ sound tear through forcefully, refusing to break eye contact. This is Levi’s first sex since his top surgery, and Mike can guess how uncomfortable his body still feels to him, so he ain’t gonna eat the boy with his eyes, not yet, not until he knows him better enough to judge what is acceptable. He don’t want no insecurity soakin’ Levi’s brain tonight, just pleasure overrunning.

Levi swallows, looking down at Mike, shy hands coming into his hair while Mike nuzzles into the dark pubic hair, nosing devoutly. He finds the little bundle he’s searching for and prods it with the very tip of his nose. Levi lets out an unsure moan.

Mike grins at the sound. “Good?”

“Yeah,” the morsel of a boy sighs.

Mike takes his time stimulating the boy and getting his clit engorged enough to poke out from under the hood. When it finally does, he lets his teeth graze it before nipping it, thoroughly enjoying the way Levi jerks and shakes all the while. Widening his bite and twisting his head, Mike takes the whole clitoral stem between his teeth, rewarded with Levi’s mewls. He pulls back so that he can get his mouth on just the tip, sliding his tongue around beneath and then latching onto it, pulling the point of nerves deeper into his mouth like he does with cock.

Above him, Levi lets out the most beautiful sound, spurring Mike on, his only care about getting Levi off, sucking him off. His only goal is to exhaust the boy until he turns to pudding.

  
  
  


Levi doesn’t avoid Erwin’s eyes when he takes his coffee. There’s not a heaviness between them, although Levi was definitely expecting that when he woke up to find Erwin standing in the doorway to the living room where Mike remains passed out on the sofa.

There’s not a heaviness but Levi is uncertain as hell. Erwin on the other hand, doesn’t seem bothered to wake up with a third person in his house, and it makes Levi feel like a fool at the possibility that Erwin isn’t  _ bothered _ because he is  _ used to _ this. 

“I take it Mike was blunt about his desires,” Erwin starts. He takes a seat on the other side of the table and Levi feels his shoulders relax unbidden. “He’s always been much more giving in physical touch. It’s his love language.”

Levi has to raise his cup and drink because all he can think about, hearing those words, is the way Mike buried his face between Levi’s thighs until Levi almost passed out twice. He feels like a child, like a troublesome brat caught with his hand in a cookie jar by a too-understanding adult that will now explain to him the proper course of action.

But Erwin surprises him by saying, “I’ve always been much more giving with words, and we haven’t spoken much outside of a professional capacity.”

Uncertainty climbs up Levi’s throat, threatening to bring coffee with it, but he keeps it down, just barely. “Okay?” He doesn’t mean to sound as closed-off and defensive as it comes out. 

“I realise this might not be the most conventional of beginnings.” It’s Erwin’s turn to take a drink, clearing his throat afterward so that he can continue. “I don’t want to pressure you in any way, so please know that you have every opportunity to decline, alright?”

“Alright,” Levi says, so quiet that he thinks maybe it’s inaudible, but Erwin nods.

“I’d like to get to know you, Levi, and pursue you as well, if you would be alright with that.” There’s a different kind of intensity there, where Mike was all hot blood and lust, Erwin is cool and calm and collectedly logical. Levi feels snared.

He leans back in his chair. “You’re… not upset?”

“No, not at all,” Erwin assures him. “The opposite, actually. While unexpected, I’m very pleased to see you here.”

“Your husband…” Levi trails off and swallows, looking away, feeling that flush reignite on his cheeks. No point in chickening out now. He’s going to let harsh words break this before it’s even built but that’s all he’s good at. “Your husband ate me out on your couch without you knowing and you’re not upset? Mad? At all?”

Erwin sips his cup, undeterred. “Our marriage might not be traditional in any sense, but we don’t keep any secrets, Levi. Would it make you uncomfortable to know that we’ve discussed you?”

“No,” Levi answers before he even realises that it’s true. It doesn’t make him uncomfortable, it makes his belly feel warm beyond the coffee filling it. It makes him feel wanted. It makes him feel worth wanting. That feeling alone is worth pursuing, when there’s two men willing to love him and he never thought he’d find  _ one  _ to give him the time of day. Again, he says, more quietly, “No.”

Like a distraction, Mike enters the kitchen, a sleepy giant with a relaxed gait. He passes Erwin first, leaning down and kissing the back of his neck with a murmured, “Morning.” As he moves around the table and behind Levi, Mike taps his forehead and the noirette looks up. Mike has to bend almost in half to reach Levi’s forehead to deliver a kiss and a good morning wish before moving on to get his own coffee.

Overtaken with a strange yearning that consumes his bones in fire, Levi looks Erwin in the eyes and says, firmly answering, “Okay. Let’s try it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also [listen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bR5u9jb0PJE) !   
> this whole thing is a meg myers songfic at this point, thanks for reading <3


	5. i know his

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> slowly, they're getting there together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> opens with sexual content, ends with implied sexual content.

Levi’s offhanded “I’ve never been in a cop car” turns into “I’ve never fucked in a cop car, either” turns into Mike sitting in the backseat with guiding hands on pumping hips while Levi rides for all he’s worth in the cramped space. He’s got one hand slapped over Mike’s eyes, too shy yet to be seen, his other hand stroking himself as he works closer to orgasm. Slowly, Levi’s pleasure seeps up his spine, dripping into his brain, and when the reservoir overflows, he cums, silent and sated.

“Gorgeous little morsel,” Mike murmurs when Levi’s hand falls away and lets him get a peek at the blissful, red face before him. He leans in, catching Levi’s bottom lip and using that to tug him into a kiss that’s quickly sloppy. 

“Stop,” Levi whines, playful. Mike kisses like he means to devour, always calling Levi his morsel, his snack, his meal. He drinks Levi’s cum like a parched man on a hot day. He pulls his mouth away and stuffs the fingers he stroked himself with into Mike’s mouth. “Stop trying to eat me, papa bear.”

Mike growls and nibbles the offered digits before pushing them out of his mouth and pressing a chaste kiss them. Levi tucks his face into the warm curve of Mike’s neck, one hand coming to stroke the professionally trimmed beard. 

“I don’t want to get out,” Levi murmurs. Around him, Mike’s arms tighten. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow with Erwin,” Mike tells him. He kisses Levi’s neck, and holds him until Levi starts to wiggle away. With a low whine, Levi unseats himself from Mike’s lap, and before he gets his own pants pulled up, he takes a tissue from the box upfront and slips the condom off Mike’s cock so that he can take it inside and throw it away. His boyfriend thanks him with a peck to his cheek, and ever the southern gentleman, gets himself all tucked back into his blues and exits the patrol car so that he can walk Levi to the door of his apartment building. It’s well after midnight, and Mike’s shift ended the same time as Levi’s, giving them the perfect opportunity for some late-night loving. 

On the building’s stoop, Levi stands one stair up but he still has to tilt his head back to accept a trove of quick kisses before he chuckles, slips from Mike’s grabby hands, and disappears into the building. 

At home, Nana is laid out on the sofa like a blanket left to dry, a bowl of something Levi can’t decipher sitting on his stomach. He’s watching that baking show he likes, Levi can tell immediately by the calm background music and the array of British accents explaining the things they’re creating. 

“You fucked again,” Nana says more than asks, not even looking in Levi’s direction, but Levi’s shoulders bunch of defensively regardless. Those words are not meant to be hostile in any way, but Levi finds himself weirdly protective of his budding relationships. He doesn’t want to have  _ the talk  _ where Nana dissects Levi’s self-destructive tendencies. He doesn’t even want to think that Nana is waiting for him to fuck this up because honestly, this thing with Mike and Erwin… it’s good. 

Levi comes out with damp curls and Nana’s into the next episode. Wordlessly, he comes and sits on the sofa beside his brother, then curls up and tucks himself down into Nanaba’s side. He just wants to cuddle and go to sleep.

But despite what Levi wants, Nana wraps an arm around his waist and asks, “Are you happy, baby?”

For a moment, he sits still and doesn’t even breathe, but then he turns his nose into warm ribs and nuzzles violently before letting his body fall limp. Equally quiet, he confirms, “I am.”

“Good,” Nana whispers, a small hesitation before, “I want you to be happy. You should be, I just… worry.”

“I know,” Levi tries to cut it short, tries to convince Nana yet again that he’s changed, he’s learned from his mistakes and he’s not going to implode and burn everything to the ground again. “I know, but you don’t need to worry. I like them, I really do.”

“Good,” Nanaba says again, maybe a little less believable. “That’s good, Levi. It really is.”

“I’m not going to ruin it,” he rushes to say. He just wants to put it out there and get it over with. It hits Nana like a physical thing, Levi can tell by the way his hold tightens for a split second before loosening and his hand running down Levi’s thigh.

That’s the end of it, for now… Nana never lets things go so easily, not when he’s been Levi’s anchor for so many years, not when for years they only had one another. Not when Levi’s self-destructive tendencies always bring him back, alone, injured, lost, to Nana’s side.

 

One thing Levi can be grateful for are their differences. Mike is all hands, all touch and affection and kisses, and Erwin is all words. Keeping up a conversation via text with Mike is near impossible, but if Levi strikes one up with Erwin, they’ll go until one of them has leave to take care of responsibilities. Likewise, that dynamic runs over to when they’re together. 

June is rainier than usual, the afternoons a flash flood warning on a daily basis. It’s been over a month since they’ve been together, but the way they’ve had to work to get their schedules to line up, it feels like much less time. And now Erwin’s taking on some supplemental courses for the summer semester, so any hope of more time together is dashed; but Erwin’s still trying to earn his place teaching here, he can’t really say no when asked. Besides, he’s going to let Levi sneak in on some days, a would-be audit student if he hadn’t barely scraped through high school. He told Erwin his decade-old ACT score and Erwin had politely hugged him for that shared vulnerability. 

Sixteenth Street is a mess of tourists and locals, including the three of them. They’re counting on the coming rain to thin out the crowd, and around mid-afternoon, that pays off. The sudden heat of the summer combined with the high altitude sunshine makes the rain welcomed, and Levi foregoes an umbrella to let himself cool off. His straightened hair absorbs the moisture and springs back into curls.

“Cute lil’ boy,” Mike says, patting the top of Levi’s head. He can see the sign for their destination just ahead, the promise of cheesecake giving him excitement. Erwin’s leading the way, his anticipation on par with Levi’s, their hands grasped tightly, the professor spouting endless explanations of dessert varieties. His monologues can be relaxing on even the most stressful of days, and Levi likes to fall asleep on the phone with Erwin whenever he can.

They’re seated at a table in the middle, all the guests congregated together between busy times so that the other seating can be cleaned and set for dinner. 

Their meal together goes pleasantly, Levi sneaking a selection from the kid’s menu since Mike’s ordering more than enough for two people alone. Even though he takes the longest to eat, neither Mike nor Erwin make any remark, instead keeping the conversation casual while Levi tries to eat everything. It’s a child’s portion, and he’s frustrated but he’s getting better. He’s noticed the way Mike likes to find the tiniest soft places on his body and worship them and he just wants to give Mike something more to grasp. He wants to give parts of himself that are hard to bare, to repay the happiness given to him. It’s just a  _ child’s portion _ but it’s so difficult to get it down, and these men are too understanding in silent ways about silent things, they say nothing about it. Mike leans in close and throws his arms over the back of Levi’s chair, a waiting offering for Levi to come and take the affection. 

Levi always takes the affection, and it’s that soothing touch that helps him clear his plate. 

When they’re all agreed to be finished, he lets them pay for him without even moving to get out his wallet. They’re dual-income and child-free, don’t have hovering hospital bills to pay. Elective surgeries and subsequent hospital stays, even for gender conformity, cost more than Levi thinks he’ll ever be able to pay off.

The clearing rain means the street is packed again once they’re on the pavement. Performs tote their talents on every corner, and as they walk further down, Mike spots one of the painted pianos, its bench empty. Levi watches in curiosity as he takes a seat.

“You can play?” Levi asks, feeling a little silly for the question. He’s still learning a lot about these southern boys. 

“Had lessons an’ recitals all up ‘til high school,” Mike grins at him, like a preening potential mate trying to attract. And Levi feels attracted. He folds his arms together on top of the upright, leaning his chin down to hide his own smile. Beside him, Erwin leans on the top of the upright on his elbows.

“Play our song,” Erwin persuades. 

“Our song,” Mike echoes, chuckles, and then spreads his hands out and acquiesces. Levi doesn’t recognise it at first, but when Erwin quietly sings, he thinks it rings a bell. When they’re done, he doesn’t really know what to say except to tell them that it sounds good. There’s an intimacy in that moment that wraps around the three of them and keeps them held tightly all the way back to Erwin and Mike’s house. Levi gets his backpack out of the trunk and follows them inside. He’s spending more and more time here, but they don’t seem to mind.

“What was your song?” He finally asks, strewn over their sofa like he owns it. His head’s resting in Mike’s lap, his feet in Erwin’s. The three of them are lazy when given the chance.

“It’s ‘Sonne’,” Erwin says, one hand wrapped around Levi’s left knee, the other holding and scrolling through his phone. “By Rammstein.”

“I thought it was something else,” Levi confesses, but they never make him feel stupid for admitting things like that. 

“I can put on the album,” Mike offers. “It’s in German.”

“I don’t know German,” Levi says.

“I do,” Erwin tells him, rubbing his calf tenderly. 

Levi narrows his eyes. “Of course you do.”

Erwin grins at Levi’s playful verbal strike and continues to rub his calf, letting his berth widen until he’s running his hand from ankle to upper thigh. 

“Just listen to it the first time,” Mike advises. “Don’t worry about lyrics. Feel the music.”

“That’s cliche as fuck,” Levi grumbles, Mike lifting Levi’s head between his big hands so that he can escape from the sofa. The linked speakers through the living room chime that they’re on, then that they’re connected to a device, and then what Levi is assumes is the album begins to play. Mike adjusts the volume before settling on a level acceptable for this kind of music.

“He only offered,” Erwin says with a smirk, his wandering hand gripping Levi’s thigh in a promising threat, “because he knows I like to fuck to this.”

Levi raises one eyebrow and, being a tease, slips one leg down, foot flat on the carpet, his other rising to hook over the back of the sofa. With his legs spread like this, he’s got Erwin’s full attention. 

 


	6. hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bite the hand that feeds, bite the hand that grabs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> special warning for that eating disorder tag, please take care with reading <3

Mike compliments Levi’s ass. It’s a thing. Mike is an ass man. He’s got a deep appreciation for backsides and rumps and booties. But it’s the way he pinches it that night; asking if Levi’s gained a little something, and even though there’s hearts in his eyes, Levi’s spine straightens in terror.

“Yeah,” he barely manages to recover, trying to  _ cover _ that reaction.

Mike’s hands are huge. Levi knows they’re huge, but his brain tricks him into thinking that those hands don’t grab quite as much that night-- that those hands are shrinking against the rapidly expanding flesh.

 

He can’t do it anymore. He can’t eat another fucking thing, not for Erwin, not for Mike, not for Nana, or even  _ himself. _ Levi feels so restricted by what they want for him, and he just can’t do it anymore. A little bit of weight has made home on his hips and he can’t handle how it changes his figure to look so fucking  _ feminine _ all of a sudden. 

He doesn’t even break up with them. He blocks Erwin and Mike’s phone numbers, he tells Nana that he’s through with them, no explanations offered. He wants them but he doesn’t want to do this anymore. He doesn’t want their understanding gazes when he struggles to finish his food, he doesn’t want their praise when he cleans his plate. He just wants it all to stop, to be able to stop eating and look more male like he wants to.

He’s so miserable, he doesn’t really know what he wants. Because these men have been so good to him over the time they’d been together. They took care of him, they made sure he took care of himself. But Levi just can’t, not anymore. They change him in ways that frighten him. They change him in ways that he’s afraid to feel. They make him feel good to eat and gain weight but they’re not with Levi when he looks in the mirror in the middle of the night and picks himself to pieces over a smidgen of soft fat on his thighs. 

And that’s the issue. Levi knows that if he keeps eating more, he’ll gain more and more weight. And without testosterone, his body will pack on the pounds in a way that makes  _ what _ he is so clear. He can’t do that. He can’t look at himself and see that change and be okay, not when he doesn’t even know what he wants.

Because he’s been such a coward with this. Because he didn’t think it through like Nanaba did. Because he saw Nanaba’s happiness and chased it for himself without even thinking if Nana’s solution would apply to him, too. 

Nanaba tolerates his pity party for two days before he crawls into bed beside Levi early one morning and wraps his arms around his distressed brother.

“Shhh,” he soothes, guiding Levi’s head against his chest. Could he tell that Levi hasn’t yet slept, too busy running obsessed circles in his mind?

“I’m fine,” Levi lies into the soft blonde hairs he loves there. He’s so far from fine. It doesn’t feel like that is possible for him anymore.  _ This _ is the session of self-destruction that goes too far, that drags him to a new low that he will never escape from. 

But he just  _ can’t. _ Not anymore. He’s afraid to look in the mirror and like it. He’s afraid that if Mike worships his curves one more time, that he’ll give up his identity in favour of affection. He just can’t.

“I know you’re not,” Nana sternly whispers. “Levi, this tantrum only hurts us all. Let us help. Let  _ them _ help.”

Levi nuzzles the scruff on the underside of Nana’s chin. The words are only of concern but Levi’s treacherous brain convinces him of a scolding that doesn’t exist.

“They made you so happy,” Nana continues. “What is this really about, baby?”

“It’s nothing,” he weakly protests. 

Nana leans down and kisses Levi’s eyelids one at a time. “Even if you don’t tell me, you owe them an explanation.”

“I can’t. I don’t even want to fucking think about them,” Levi whispers. He presses his nose into Nana’s stubble, requesting, “Call me my old name. I miss the sound of your voice saying it.”

Nanaba hums and it takes a moment of wary hesitation before he deadnames Levi, a caressing Hand in black hair like always, causing Levi to choke up. 

“Do you remember?” He cries, squeezing his bonded brother. They’ve held hands in hell and come back up together again. “Do you remember when I was your girl?”

“Levi,” Nana drawls in gentle warning. There’s never any good to come of walking down those roads, especially now that they’ve cooled from eros into pragma over so many years. There’s no regret festering between them but Levi knows it will make Nana to worry to have him thinking too hard on the less than brotherly affections they once shared so freely between them. But his heart aches and he’s brokenhearted. Nothing hurts him like he hurts himself. Nothing destroys him with the same intensity that he self-destructs.

“Fuck me like I’m your girl again,” Levi whispers, one shaky breath from breaking down all over again. He doesn’t know what he wants. Shoving his hand down, he finds Nanaba’s packer and squeezes his fingers around it until his knuckles ache. “Come on,” he whines through grit teeth. “Come on, babe.”

Levi searches for his mouth and Nana passively allows himself to be kissed so sloppily, not fighting back. He is placating Levi and Levi would feel angry any other time; tonight, he wants Nana to placate him to the fullest if that means he’ll fuck Levi. That he’ll make Levi feel like a good girl.

But it never comes. Nana sternly takes hold of Levi’s jaw and pulls him away. “I can’t replace them,” he whispers. “I’m not what you need that way, Levi.”

“Please,” Levi tries anyway, wanting. Wanting Nana just because he’s wanting. With his whole body, he yearns. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading and for sticking with this <3


	7. will dig up my secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> levi didn't know what he was getting into, either time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for levi's emotional state, especially concerning his body.

Whatever’s goin’ on with Levi, Mike aint got no intention of dropping the brotherhood he’s building up with Nanaba. And apparently whatever’s goin’ on with Levi is big enough that Nana asks him to come over early one morning to help sort it out.

The sun ain’t even up yet, but him and Erwin find themselves knocking at an apartment door just to be let in by Nana in summer pajamas. It’s that point in the season when even the overnight low leaves the air warm and muggy like sticking his face in the steam of freshly-brewed tea. They’ve not yet been here to this apartment before, and even though the environment holds a wealth of new things to look at, Mike can’t take his eyes off Nana’s back as they’re led to Levi’s room.

It’s dark but he can make out a bundle curled up on a twin mattress under the window, and that’s all he cares to look at. 

“Hey, lil’ morsel,” Mike whispers, taking a seat beside the bundle. Under the covers, Levi jerks and rolls over, red-rimmed eyes poking through frizzy black hair surrounded by a fluffy comforter.

“Mike,” Levi answers, sounding entirely and genuinely surprised. When Erwin comes to lean in and look, Levi lets his eyes wander there, as well. 

“Hey,” Erwin coos, natural way with people. Them words of his always fill the gaps that Mike’s hands can’t, ‘specially when Levi is concerned, but right now the only way to tackle this boy is to tackle him together. Erwin leads them with, “Are you all right, Levi?”

Levi freezes in a pulse before looking away and finally shaking his head, “I don’t know.”

Mike gently lifts his morsel’s head and makes a pillow outta his lap, manhandling the little bundle into a comfortable position. For the most part, Levi lets himself be moved, but keeps them muscles locked up rigid. Must be painful to be tense all the fucking time; papa bear wants to solve this in his instinctual way, using his body to destress Levi, but he’s gotta stop himself. They ain’t here for that. They’re here on accounta Levi trying to attempt the “self-destruct of the century,” as Nanaba put it. 

“What’s upsetting you?” Erwin presses, his own predatory hunt taking them right to the chase because they  _ want _ their boy back. 

“You don’t get it,” Levi rasps, the sound of held-in tears lacing his gravelly voice. “I don’t fucking know…”

“You do,” Erwin urges, worming his way to the main issue. Mike takes to stroking frizzy, unkept black hair, letting his husband’s diplomacy win back their little one, their sweet treat. That urgency in Erwin’s voice cools as he whispers, “You do know, Levi. You don’t need to be embarrassed of anything when you’re with us.”

“I’m not embarrassed,” Levi whines, then sniffs back up the snot trying to escape his nostrils. “I just… You don’t get it. I think… I think I fucked up.”

“Oh,  _ baby, _ ” and Erwin’s voice drips with empathy as he syncs with Levi. “Baby boy, are you worried that we wouldn’t want you anymore?”

Nail on the head and Levi shakes with the tears he’s holding in, body straight wracked with tremors. Mike grips him tight, grounding him, keeping him down on the earth.

God bless Erwin’s ruthlessness in times like this, ‘cause he don’t let up. “Levi, tell me what you did.”

“It’s-it’s— I’m  _ sorry,” _ Levi sobs, restraint snapping in the face of being wanted above his faults. The floodgates open and then Mike’s getting rushed away in the current of Levi’s confession, looking to Erwin like a lighthouse standing tall and firm in a storm. Their boy’s been hiding from them ‘cause he ain’t so sure about his gender, and he don’t like thinking that he’s a faker, or jumping on the trendy bandwagon. Something about being with Mike and Erwin is makin’ Levi feel like a girl again, making him wanna be one, be treated like one. Got some uncertainties, that’s why he never went ahead on with testosterone, that’s why he’s gotta starve and then work himself half to hell to look masculine. Seeing how Nana began lovin’ himself in transition, Levi chased that solution because it felt right for a split second in a life when he only ever felt wrong, and Mike ain’t able to find no fault in that. Neither can Erwin.

Petting his boy’s hair, Mike meets Erwin’s eyes, finds nothing but concern mirrored there. Gripping the hem of his shirt, Erwin leans in and mops up Levi’s face. The confession melts down into unfettered sobbing and Mike holds his boy, rocks him, not plannin’ on letting him go for a long, long time. When the broken heart bleeds dry and begins to seal back up, Mike fishes out one of Levi’s hands and kisses the knuckles.

“I don’t know what I am,” Levi whimpers, weak death to his unleashed turmoil. He’s deflated, spent. Tuckered himself out sharing these vulnerabilities. “I don’t know what I want to be.”

“Whatever you want to be, baby,” Erwin offers, covering the union of Levi’s hand in Mike’s, “we’re gonna help you find it.”

 

It’s with reluctance that they leave. Levi watches the way Mike keeps looking at him, like he wants to deny Levi some space, but in the end, he exits with Erwin.

Levi texts them at the end of the day. It’s a real apology. His men did nothing to deserve this treatment. That night, when Nana slips into Levi’s bed, Levi allows himself to be held and takes great comfort in the people that stick with him through all his shit.

 

They go slow getting back into it. Nanaba jokingly punches Mike’s shoulder the next time they’re at the gym, congratulating him on surviving Levi’s first implosion.

“You make it sound like he doin’ it often,” Mike grunts, Levi on his mind despite the weights in his hands.

“Why don’t you stick around and find out,” Nana laughs. But Mike knows it ain’t entirely no joke. Nana’s inviting him to stick around-- _ telling _ him to, really. Encouraging Mike to weather it out and he don’t need any persuading with a little morsel so worthwhile.

 

“Do you know what I think about doing to you?” Mike asks, voice dropping to the bottom of the barrel. It’s Levi’s first time back at their house in two weeks— it was supposed to be all of them, but Erwin got called to advise on a club activity, so Levi and Mike have been sitting in the backyard, drinkin’ just a little,  _ little _ bit while they wait for the missing link to come home.

Levi’s expression confesses his shock, and Mike silences him further with, “I think about rippin’ you apart, making you crave how good some pain feels, makin’ it hurt so fuckin’  _ much _ , boy.”

But Levi shakes his head, an action meant to hide the pleasant pleading expression that’s masking his features. Then it’s Mike’s turn to fall speechless when from Levi’s mouth comes a very quiet, almost shy, “You should fuck me in the ass like a boy. Make me your bitch.”

It stirs Mike down into the foundation of his animal brain: that request that aligns so carnally with his wants. He takes his little morsel boy by the shoulders, ready to shake but settling for one firm shift of Levi’s frame.

“Tell me what you want,” Mike urges, so, so hungry and so in touch with the animal coiled tight within his skin. 

“I want you,” Levi murmurs, consonants caught on breath with the level of his near inaudibility, “to make me a piece of meat and tear me to pieces, papa.”

In a cobra-quick strike, Mike has a hand wrapped nonthreateningly around that pale throat, and Levi squawks by reflex. With his grip, Mike drags Levi in close and sniffs at him, long and relaxed inhales through his nose. 

Finally, predatorily, Mike mocks, “You smell like a bitch in heat.”

This time, Levi’s squawk is more of a half-swallowed, half-choked moan, his spine succumbing to uncoordinated twisting in response to the heat of his desire. It’s not even been that many days, but Mike has missed this— the sweet way Levi begs with his whole body, driven invertebrate by how badly he wants to open his cunt and bring Mike inside of him. 

“You’d let me fuck you right here in the grass,” Mike growls. In his hold, Levi tries to nod, all enthusiastic. God, Mike’s  _ missed _ this, this sex-starved boy. He’s gonna fill Levi ‘til Levi don’t hunger no more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> getting toward the end, hopefully

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](http://minxiebutt.tumblr.com) and [fic tag](http://minxiebutt.tumblr.com/tagged/fic%3A-tmp)


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